


Kiss Me All Better

by Grace_28 (orphan_account)



Series: My Destiel Heart [8]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Alternate Universe - Humans, Angst and Tragedy, Bad Ending, Confession, Deaths, F/M, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Killer smiles apparently, Lieutenant Dean Winchester, M/M, POV Castiel, Soldier Castiel, Unrealistic Time Passing, War, clearly, shot in the ass, slight mentions of homophobia, slight mentions of hypocrisy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-04-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:54:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23258002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Grace_28
Summary: Even as he could hear in the blaring distance was large booms, and gunshots, and screaming, and, finally, just ringing before all fell silent to him. He was barely able to comprehend a sharp pain that forced his knees to drop to the ground before warm arms pulled him to the sideline. Castiel forced his head up, just to get a look at the soldier who pulled him to safety.But, it seems that Castiel just wasn't well-prepared to see his lieutenant, Dean Winchester, cry as he mouths words that Castiel cannot hear.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Jessica Moore/Sam Winchester (mentioned)
Series: My Destiel Heart [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1487138
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	Kiss Me All Better

"Hey, Cas, wanna come with me?" Dean drawled out as he took a swing of his beer. Blue Moon, Castiel immediately noted. Dean looked at him expectantly, and Castiel didn't realize that it looked as if he was hesitating.

"Okay."

"No- fuck, I was trying to ask if you wanted to come. Not tell you that you have to come along."

"Still."

"You'll probably die."

"Death is inevitable," Castiel deadpanned. Dean's eyes widened, turning his head towards the kicthen.

"Sammy, what have you been letting Cas read?" Dean asked. Sam's exasperated sigh could be heard from the living room, where Dean and Castiel were sitting on the couch watching a nature document. It was Castiel's suggestion, and even though Dean must've wanted to catch up on Dr. Sexy MD, he agreed.\

"Nothing. I wouldn't let him get close to the history books," Sam explained. 

"I just wouldn't mind being in the field," Castiel admitted. "The world is already so screwed to hell, so why the hell not?"

"That kinda sounds like something I would say." Dean frowned and folded his arms. 

"Yeah, well, you have been my closest companion these last years," Castiel snorted. Dean gave him a playful shove as Sam walked in and hopped over the couch.

"What we watchin'?" Sam asked with his mouth full of popcorn.

"Bees," Castiel grinned. "They're very resourceful and intelligent, Sam. They live in a home where their queen is barely present, and run an entire functioning society in a small, compacted space. It's fairly extraordinary."

"Has he been like this since I left?" Dean asked in a teasing manner. Castiel turned back to him with a firm pout, and the expression that Dean gives him is so different from all his others that Castiel is briefly bewildered. 

"Yep. Since before too. The guy's obsessed with nature. Once, he got drunk and told me that koalas had three vaginas."

"That was one time!" Castiel groaned. Dean only laughed and turned his head back to the documentary, surprisingly invested in it. When Castiel asked him about it, Dean just said that he wants to know weird facts like he does. Despite it being a heartwarming thought, Castiel told him that male bees, drones, only live to mate with the Queen. Dean muttered something about wishing that he was a male bee, though that mindset changed when Castiel told him that they died after they ejaculated once. 

For the rest of the day, Dean was silent.

It was fairly amusing to see Dean blushing. In a way, Castiel understood what he meant when Dean had said that seeing people blush because of you is flattering.

But, all good times had to have end. Castiel, while Dean was distracted by the bees, explained to Sam what Dean had proposed. Of course, Sam was so furious with his brother. And of course, Castiel didn't understand what that look of anger meant in terms of joining the army. For him, it was just another opportunity to find what he truly wanted to do the older he gets. By explaining this to Sam, Castiel managed to calm him down. Sam had reluctantly agreed before giving him a few tips about life in the military. For the most part, Sam seemed proud that Castiel had "wanted to do something". Whatever that meant.

Though, of course, when a real war did begin, Sam felt extremely guilty- just like Dean felt.

"C'mon, man, you've got to come home," Sam begged through the cheap phone he had. 

"Sam, please. Your brother needs my help."

"With what? There's hundreds of men out there; it shouldn't matter if you wanted to leave."

"Yes, but Sam, this is different. I don't want to leave."

"Well you should, man. It's not safe out there."

"Sam, you worry too much. Listen- there's a battle coming, and I need to be here for Dean."

"Cas. You need to _come home,_ that's what! If a fight is going to go on, you need to get the hell outta there!" Sam seemed to be damn furious, but Castiel had more concerning matters at the moment. Dean could die out here, risking everything he's ever had to be out here. Dean has fought this war alone for too long. He's losing every piece of himself in this war- like a suicidal hero who won't know if his sacrifice will be worth it. If Castiel couldn't do the same, then who was he really? 

Castiel turned back, leaning his body against the post.

"Sam, I'll come back home after the last one okay? I'll talk to Dean about it."

"What? No!"

"Sam, we'll be fine. I promise I'll come back home- I think that maybe I could bring him back with me."

"Cas, you're going to get killed-"

"Sam, nobody can escape death. It will occur one day or another," Castiel deadpaned.

Apparently, that was the wrong thing to say because Sam started to tear him a new one. He started shouting why he shouldn't be out there on the field and holding guns all the time and that Castiel should go home right now if possible. Castiel listened at first, but after a while, Castiel got annoyed and held the phone far from his ear.

Apparently, he was allowed to be in the navy but wasn't allowed to be _in_ the navy. Besides, Dean had specifically told him that he needed Castiel here. As both a soldier and as a best friend. To help Dean see the goodness in people even as they're killing one another for a simple disagreement. So Castiel isn't about to turn his back on his best friend.

"Listen, Sam," Castiel began with a sigh, "We'll be fine. We'll be back before you even know it. We'll be back to annoy you and Jess as soon this is over. Dean and I will deal with things here, and we'll come back as soon as we can."

"Cas-"

"I gotta go. I'll tell you what he thinks later." Castiel swiftly ended the call. He exhaled sharply, covering his head with his hands.

"You okay?" Dean asked as he leaned back against another post upon his arrival. Castiel smiled at him weakly. "Was it Sammy?"

Castiel nodded.

"Yes. He wanted me to go home."

"Right now?" Dean's eyebrows furrowed together, his lips pressing into a thin line and his green eyes hardening. His classic reaction when pretending that he would be totally okay with whatever Sam was trying to get Castiel to do. Castiel quickly shook his head.

"No, later. I told him that I'd talk to you about it."

"Why?"

"I don't think I'd want you out here without me," Castiel teased. Dean just rolled his eyes. "And who knows? You could hurt yourself by tripping over someone's bag."

Dean scoffed and folded his arms. He scrunched up his nose cutely.

"Puh-lease. That only happened once _and_ I was seven at the time! Won't happen again," Dean swore. Castiel smiled.

"Sure, definitely won't. Of course, you didn't say the exact same thing about jumping on a trampoline. Of course, then, you didn't break your arm a few moments later."

"Cas!"

"I'm just saying that you should back home with me. Sam and Jessica miss you," Castiel pointed out. "I'd miss you if I got sent back home alone."

Dean sighed.

"I'll think about it, Cas." Dean smiled warmly. Castiel felt his chest tighten with the sight of it, suddenly very enthusiastic with the adrenaline pumping through his veins. "But, you gotta stay with me till the end of tonight. I still need you out there."

"I know," Castiel grinned. "I'll see you later, Dean."

Dean shrugged, smiling as he turned away. "Don't bully me when we get home."

"Wouldn't dream of it, Lieutenant!" Castiel called back. He chuckled to himself as he laid down on the hard bed, his chest tighter and lighter than it's ever been (if those two things could even be a possible combination that is). He'll definitely try to bully Dean into watching another bee documentary, though he wouldn't mind if Dean got all grumpy and demanded Dr. Sexy. Of course, though, Sam and Jessica would reprimand Dean for being a horrible influence to their unborn child. Then, Castiel would be on his own to laugh his ass off.

"You and the Lieutenant got a thing goin'?" one of the men sitting across his bed asked. He raised an eyebrow in Castiel's direction, his words instantly catching the attention of all the men in the tent.

"No, Lieutenant's a family friend," Castiel replied honestly. "His dad was my dad's friend."

"Huh. Alright." The man hummed. "Though, now that I think about it, Lieutenant lets you do a lotta crap."

"No, he doesn't. He always cracks me a new one, believe me. Lieutenant doesn't let me do anything without giving me a lotta crap," Castiel snorted. It was true. Dean once tried to wrestle him down when Castiel tried to hold a gun for the first time. He said that it wasn't safe and that Castiel needed to be in the Medic department- as if Castiel would prefer to see casualties first-hand instead of following Dean's lead.

The man hummed again. "If you say so. You just look like you were gettin' a little chummy with 'im, that's all."

"I do say so," Castiel returned quite sharply. "Besides, it's not like I always ask you why you've been getting all 'chummy' with the guy in the next tent over."

The other guys in the tent just chuckled. "It's true, 'cher. You're too loud. We dudes need to sleep."

"Oh, shut up," the man grumbled. But, then he turned back to his dusty book without another word.

Still, Castiel scowled. He wasn't getting "chummy" with Dean at all. Dean and him were just maintaining their friendship, even during the high tension of an upcoming battle. How is that a crime? And even if they were, it wasn't any of this guy's business to ask about it. How rude. He picked up his own book, hoping that it would help him cool down his nerves. But it only magnified it. He allowed his annoyance to get the better of him and he mentally cursed at the man in his mind. 

  


//

  


Dean smiled as he gave Castiel an encouraging smile and pat on the back. “C’mon, Cas. You got this.”

Castiel sent a weak smile back. He had an awful feeling about this. Hell, he had an awful feeling about all of this. Which is probably never a good thing to happen if you’re about to go into battle. He couldn’t stop his hands from shaking, something was almost definitely wrong. Thousands of possibilities of what could go wrong flew through his mind. He couldn’t stop himself from feeling the fear that seeped underneath his armor. At one possibility, Castiel froze completely and paled.

What if Dean _dies_?

Castiel shivered at that, clutching his gun tightly. He’ll protect Dean, even if it’s the last thing he ever does. Now determined more than ever, Castiel stood up and inhaled sharply. The slight smell of iron in the air stung his eyes- like the sight of blood always did. But, he tried his best to ignore it as he rushed out of the tent.

There was already yelling outside and gunshots in the distance. Castiel hurried in his steps, glancing around frantically for Dean. Once he caught sight of him, Castiel started running towards him. 

Castiel had to tell Dean what he's worrying about. It's all he could think about.

Even as he could hear in the blaring distance was large booms, and gunshots, and screaming, and, finally, just ringing before all fell silent to him. He was barely able to comprehend a sharp pain that forced his knees to drop to the ground before warm arms pulled him to the sideline. Castiel forced his head up, just to get a look at the soldier who pulled him to safety. 

But, it seems that Castiel just wasn't well-prepared to see his lieutenant, Dean Winchester, cry as he mouths words that Castiel cannot hear.

He tried- he tried- so goddamn hard to make out the words Dean was saying. Damn, he really did want to hear what Dean wanted to say while he was out here bleeding half his heart out. Castiel got a chuckle out of that thought. Dean seemed to have quickly shushed him, and then he was looking around, his mouth wide and speaking so quickly Castiel almost couldn't catch what Dean was trying to say. But, the way he looked around frantically made it all seem loud and clear as to what Dean wanted.

'Medic'

That's what Dean was trying to ask for. That, and something else, which Dean kept on looking at him, and probably expecting him to do. Damn, now, Castiel wished that he took up Sam's offer to teach him sign language. Then, Castiel would be telling Dean to stop. Before he could do so, however, Dean started to cry even harder. All he could do was stare. He probably stared for hours, well, he didn't have that much time, but it felt like it.

Hell, staring at Dean always felt like time went slower.

Finally he felt the need to say something. He made an awful attempt to clear his throat, which he betted that it probably sounded like he was choking on something, since Dean immediately panicked and his grip on Castiel was tighter. Castiel waved him off, chuckling to himself as he said, "This would be a funny way to die, huh? Shot in the ass and screwed to hell."

Dean shushed him. He started rocking Castiel's body a little, his body seemed to have been rumbling a little. That's when Castiel realized that Dean was humming. To be more specific, he was humming a Metallica song, Nothing Else Matters. Damnit, he could hear the lyrics in his head, and if he wasn't so delirious, he probably wouldn't even be thinking about how ironic the song is. For Dean to sing it at this moment of all times.

_Never cared for what they say_

_Never cared for games they play_

_Never cared for what they do_

_Never cared for what they know_

_And I know, ooh, yeah_

_So close, no matter how far_

_Couldn't be much more from the heart_

_Forever trust in who we are_

He began humming along while the humming from Dean stopped. And Castiel found that his eyes trailed up Dean's bloody overcoat, suddenly so aware that Dean had left a battle without a leader behind. He was shocked, yet found that he really wanted to feel the comfort of Dean's arms. He smiled weakly at Dean. He should feel guilty for being so selfish, but for once, he wanted to keep Dean to himself.

'Stay with me, man,' Dean soundlessly seemed to say. He was cupping Castiel's cheeks now, his shoulders raising ever so slightly whenever he sniffles. 'They're coming. The medics. You'll be okay.'

"Why Metallica?" Castiel asked, just to be a pain in his ass. And to distract himself from the fact that he is dying and that nothing Dean says or does will save him. Though, just the sight of Dean by his side already saves him spiritually.

'Because it calms me down, goddamnit.'

"You always did like classic rock." Castiel smiled as strongly as he could. He could feel it now. The dullness in his legs forced him to realize the creeping fear that this was actually here. This is where he was going to end. Never to see Dean, never to hear Dean, never to even hug Dean. This wasn't a goodbye to the world. It was a goodbye to them, and a goodbye to his world. Castiel clenched his fists as best as he could, shaking the thought from his mind. "The first song you sang to me was Metallica. You put it on a tape recorder you gave me for my birthday."

'Yeah. Yeah, it was.'

"I loved the tape, Dean. The best present I could've ever wished for."

Dean's shoulders shook harshly, as if he was suppressing a large sob. 'Stay with me and I'll sing all the goddamn songs you want okay?'

"You used to say that you'd sing when pigs fly. Did you know Jessica and I spent hours tying a pig to a ceiling?" Castiel asked. Dean bursted out into laughter, which Castiel desperately wished to be able to hear. He remembered hearing it so many times, but the more hazy his vision gets, the less he can hear it. "Tell Sam and Jessica I said hello. And Gabriel not to eat too much candy. And Luci and Michael to fuck off."

Dean chuckled, a low rumble vibrating towards his whole chest, though his facial expression suddenly became all serious. 'Don't frickin' die on me, Cas. Don't talk as if you're gonna die. You aren't, okay?'

"Dean."

'No, Cas, you're going to stay with me till the end, okay? I need you here, man.' Dean was practically begging now. Castiel smiled at him softly, willing himself to raise a hand to Dean's cheek. His eyes closed as if on instinct while another tear fell. Castiel wiped it off. 

Dean looked pale. A bit too pale for his liking.

The moon shone a bit too bright for Castiel's liking as well, especially since he could practically see the moon taunting him in a pool of his own blood. He has no idea what's even keeping him alive at this point, but he thought that it was probably because of Dean. With Dean, he felt invincible- as if he was on top of the world. Dean always tried to protect him and teach him how to fight on his own. When he was able to hold a knife by himself, Dean praised him and congratulated him on not being a total failure. And, though it may have sounded overly douchey, Dean's eyes shone a brilliant shade of green and his cheeks were all red and his lips were pink. Dean was perfect.

Well, too bad he was a dumbass.

Even with that thought, Castiel realized he couldn't keep things to himself any longer. If he was going to die- if he was going to die in Dean's arms when Dean should be out there with his army, then he should take advantage of this situation and just say what he's been trying to say all these years.

"I was going to carry this to the grace. But, it seems that there's no need. I love you," Castiel confessed. Dean seemed to be choking on his own spit, with his green eyes all wide like that, but Castiel's mouth couldn't stop running. "Since the time you nun-chucked yourself in the balls outside my house. It was really funny, and Sam couldn't stop laughing, but you kept on performing- said that the show must go on. Only to fall over in pain afterwards. It was cute. And I loved you ever since."

Once he had that out of his mouth, his throat started acting up and he began coughing all over the place. He covered them with one of his arms, shielding it away from Dean. He looked back up at Dean, suddenly terrified of what's to come.

'Goddamnit Cas. You tell me now?' Dean seemed furious. Castiel did his best attempt at a shrug, only to see Dean pull at his own hair. Castiel didn't understand the harm in it. But, Dean's lips are moving incredibly fast right now. Castiel couldn't read it fast enough to understand what Dean's trying to say. Finally, Dean seems to have calmed down and his lips move slowly enough for Castiel to be able to focus his eyes on. 'Love you too, Cas.'

Castiel smiled so brightly he thinks that he may have blinded some poor soldier out in the field because this body just drops dead a few feet away. It seems that Dean is thinking the same thing as well. He turned back to Castiel, grinning back like some psychopath. 'You got a smile that kills, Cas.'

"Oh, shut up," Castiel rolled his eyes. "I won't last long enough to kill anybody else."

Dean instantly frowned, leaning over to kiss Castiel's forehead. 'You will, Cas. You will, I promise.'

"Dean. You told me that promises are made to be broken. Thinking I'll be fine will just make you feel guilty."

'Like hell it shouldn't. I'm the one who convinced you to go.'

"You could've suggested jumping off a cliff once and I'd do it in a heartbeat. It didn't take much convincing."

'Cas...' Dean looked so heartbroken now, Castiel didn't even want to spend his last moments witnessing this. He didn't want to be a witness to another one of Dean's tears. He closed his eyes, remembering the way that Dean's eyes always seemed different in different situations. When telling jokes, he had a childish look; when singing songs, he had a fond look; when he was pulling pranks or planning pranks, he had a mischievous look; when his father gave him Baby, Dean's eyes were bright and cheerful and downright beautiful. All of them took his breath away.

But this? Seeing Dean's eyes look all heartbroken? Jesus, the force of this thing was probably stronger than Sam's baby puppy look and adult puppy look combined. Dean didn't even look this heartbroken when his mother died a few years back.

He shuddered and grit his teeth. "Kiss me all better?"

Dean didn't even need to be asked twice.

He kissed Castiel so hard, the man could feel the desperation of it. In the way that their teeth kept mashing together and in the way that Dean ever so delicately moved... It was as if Dean was afraid of what would happen if he stopped. It was as if Dean was praying for all of this to disappear- for the war to end and that they'd be in a nice apartment across the building of Sam and Jessica’s. And it was as if Dean was begging Castiel to keep holding on.

So he did.

He held onto Dean until the medics arrived at the bloody scene. He held on to Dean until they tried to force Dean away from his limp body. He held on to Dean until, finally, there was no Dean left in his arms.

Then, Dean couldn’t even fight anymore. He let some other kid, some soldier in the middle of the field, take charge of the battle and win it for their country. Dean sat in the same place where Castiel was taken, silent tears rolling down his cheek as he prayed for forgiveness. He sat there until his superiors discharged him, and then he waited for the "okay" to take away Castiel’s body.

He sat with it in the taxi, brushing away the hair tenderly but never quite looking at him. He carried him in his arms up the steps of Sam and Jessica’s doorstep slowly, kneeling down on both knees as he asked them for forgiveness. The looks on their faces... The way that Sam couldn't even shout at him. The way that Jessica just ushered him inside and took his coat silently. The way that the three of them just sat in the couch where Castiel loved to sit. The way that they just turned the TV on and watched the nature channel without uttering a word. The way that they just pretended like everything was okay when it clearly wasn't.

But, one thing was clear for sure.

Some part of them died when Castiel did.

Their minds were on a constant delusion of what could have been if their best friend was still sitting with them, mocking them for watching a nature documentary before standing up, baking cookies for them to enjoy, setting up this sort of pillow fort, playing card games til midnight. But, as bad as Sam and Jessica had the delusions, Dean had them worse.

Not a single moment passed when Dean wasn’t thinking of what they could have been. 

Not a single moment passed when Dean dreamed of kissing Castiel under the moonlight, of watching Castiel smile brightly at the television screen, of splashing Castiel with water at their yearly water balloon fight, of kissing Castiel happy birthday and apologizing for ‘forgetting it’, of holding his warm hand as they walked into an adoption center together, of buying some stupid vegetable Castiel insists he needs to eat, of convincing Castiel over and over again about how much Dean loved him. 

But even worse- there wasn't a single moment that passed when Dean felt the sting in his eyes when he realized, over and over again, that _none of it could ever come true_.

  


  


  


_the end._


End file.
